Mr. Wall, When is Suicide the Answer?

In the wake of the Kevin Wall tragedy, I have one message to the students of Homewood-Flossmoor High School: Suicide isn’t the answer. This may seem obvious, but it isn’t; around forty thousand Americans take their own lives each year, and H-F residents have had quite enough of their share in 2013.

We humans are not logic machines. We are impulsive, we regularly exhibit poor judgment, and for all intents and purposes, we are irrational beings largely driven by emotion. That does not excuse us from our behavior; it defines our struggle to be better. Meanwhile, it is estimated that over 90% of all suicides are the result of irrational thought processes.

One of my best friends, Steve, committed suicide in his mid-twenties. He had severe depression and found himself in terrible mental anguish quite regularly. Drugs and alcohol did nothing to stave off his misery and often amplified it, instead. I used to go over to his apartment to find him angry at the world, and at nothing at all, with eyes reddened from crying and rubbing them. When he took his life, I thought part of me felt relieved for him, knowing he had found some peace. But the reality was that I was rationalizing away the pain. His loss was nothing short of tragedy.

At his wake, his brother told me to, “remember the good times.” Of those, there were many, but I couldn’t help but lament what my best friend Steve, a loving friend and talented guitarist, could have become and the ways he could have continued to touch people’s lives. Amidst the pain of his loss, part of me was angry with him. I was angry with him because he was a miracle of life, he had so much to offer, and he took it away from himself.

Kevin Wall was well known and well appreciated by the community. Teachers are celebrities in their own way, particularly in smaller communities. Each interaction he had with people was a unique one, and in a time of grieving a loss, those are the memories we like to keep. The big celebrities often have similar effects, with their art resonating with their fans. The shock and bewilderment that Kurt Cobain set upon the music world is a testament to that.

But Kevin Wall wasn’t a Kurt Cobain. Kevin Wall wasn’t a tortured megastar artist, mainlining heroin, nodding out in front of crowds, and maintaining a healthy distance from his fan-base as he careened into the ground like a meteor. Kevin Wall was a teacher. Kevin Wall was a role-model. Kevin Wall could not face the day.

The initial report from the Patch set off a polarized community baring teeth. There was the canonization army lashing out at anyone who suggested Kevin Wall was anything but a saint, versus the demonization army that wanted to paint it as ugly as it could possibly get. In the mean time, simply for reporting the facts, our Patch site was given the worst case of kill-the-messenger treatment I’ve ever seen. Human irrationality is the recourse of pain.

The allegations surrounding the Wall suicide are not pretty. Allegations never are. While the loss of Wall may be the main focus for so many, it’s important for us to remember that there is real pain behind the allegations - unless you choose to believe that the allegations are completely fabricated lies, from top to bottom. Regardless of how you choose to look at the allegations now, this is the context in which Kevin Wall failed each and every one of the students at H-F by committing suicide.

If Wall was innocent and did not have sexual relationships with students, his suicide’s message appeared as: if you are bullied, there is no hope.

If Wall was guilty, his suicide’s message seemed to be: there is no redemption, don’t bother owning up to your actions.

However you want to look at it, it was a disservice to everyone. If Wall was guilty, he managed to screw over the victims one last time by not taking his allotment on the scale of justice, by not apologizing face to face, by levying guilt on their shoulders for his demise, by eliminating any chance for reconciliation, by telling them they weren't worth it. If he was innocent, his methods for dealing with adversity are the furthest from what I’d like my children learning. Either way, the message was one of weakness and fear. Was. And now he's not here to clear that up for anyone, to change his mind, or change his message. Was and forever will be.

Standing pat, weathering storms, owning one’s actions, making amends, doing the right thing: these are the methods that our youth need to learn to become more than the simple irrational human, and build a better, stronger generation. Suicide is never a good answer, and it isn’t the end.

Most importantly, regardless of the allegations and the poor example of suicide, know that it’s OK to mourn a loss. If new information comes to light, it doesn’t change the fact that you feel loss, and you are guilty of nothing for simply feeling.